My First Time! YES TIME!

Last night I noticed that I have been saying this allot lately, "this is my first time". For instance I have never taken the time to see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade from start to finish until this year. Though Rob and I were in the parade for 4 years!

There were a number of other times this week I said this and I instantly new why! I am now on disability and find myself with something I never had in my lifetime "TIME". I was working hard to manage a professional career, a family with 2 children some pets and rarely had time for myself never mind to spend it doing things that took hours.

So after disability there is something we can take advantage of, TIME! I realize I can take the time to do or see things I never got a change to do, I mean real uninterrupted TIME.

Most of you who read this won't get the blog until you find yourself with this much TIME. A few years ago I had surgery and the doctor said I needed six months to heal! I was at work the next day and what was to take six months took 18 months to heal. Like I said I never took the TIME to address my physical, spiritual, mental or medical needs until now.

So be assured though I love everyone within my inner and even outer circle, it's TIME for me to take the TIME to spend it on me!

Chat soon
Dr. Q

You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me!

I always found amazing the power of music. When I was a young boy I at times would live through the music. I was not a leader as a teenage, I was always the follower. It was one of my goals to be the center, the pillar of an organization or family. It took confidence later on in life to learn that thought you may be the pillar it's the organization or stay that makes it possible for a leader to succeed (the foundation).

As I started getting sick and especially after the back surgery, I felt I no longer played this role anywhere within my inner or outer circle. I have been wrestling this for almost 6 years. Well Cher (this may sound dumb to some) has a new song that is titled "you haven't seen the last of me". This is for a new movie, but the words are strong. It some cases depicts her life and mine.

The song in the last 2 days has been in my mind that what I was is still here. Yes I have been down and been back, I've been on my knees and have risen when seemed dark the light somehow shun through. Song's moved me since I can remember and thanks Cher you continue to move me. And to note to all don't count me out just yet, You Haven't Seen The Last of Me!

Why people turn to God during turmoil! Do we need to?

Let’s face it there are a number of people who believe in God, or something like a Gob. Some thing it's Christ which is reality Biblically is his son, and some get the Holy Spirit confused with the other two. This being a male dominated world I refrain from using God, Jehovah or Yaweth for a number of different reasons.

First, is it limits people ability to see out of the box. Yes when you personalize the creator yes to some it makes it seem more real. But then people start saying "him" and it’s not a him.

Second, the word God, gives you the impression he is there with you personally and common sense tells you he is mot. Just read the Bible and the creators presence alone (meaning his power) gave Moses some issues including again him instantly.

To me the word "Creator" is just that! Creator of the moon, galaxies, planets such as the sun and by then you starter figuring our making humans was not the most complicated part of the process. However maintain them and keeping them in line became a challenge.

And so one of the ways many return to the creator is when they get ill especially if they are dying! There seems to be a built in desire to come to terms as if in the last minute this amazing power will embrace you and all is ok. But what people need to know is this power is built within you. Humans have more power than they realize. As I believe the bible says, “we can move mountains”, and thought it was not literal mountains, we can conquer and at times do amazing things as we face numerous challenges.

So if you’re dealing with any type of illness and decide to get religious always remember, the power is within you. Grasping and making changes and utilizing it properly will become the challenge.

Chat soon,
Dr Q

Keep your mind busy during the day, or busy during the night!

I don't know why, bust since my first accident which I should be glad I was kept alive I started having nightmares. At first it was horrible ones with death all around me. I used to wake up feeling like I buried people in the garage, backyard and in the woods behind our Jersey room.

At first I could not get doctors to believe me. Then all these tests were done to find out there was some issues with my brain. For months every time I heard a siren I thought, yup they are here for me. These murders were so real! I would see dead people in my bedroom and talk to them until Rob would notch me and wake me up.

Well that went on and then a Doctor in Miami gave me some medication and it stopped. Now I have another dilemma. I am up all night and its very visit as I have discussions with my family on issues of the day. I also manage these people and tell them how to do it better. Again these go on until Rob nudges me and when I fall back to sleep I pick up the dream.

It's like I am awake while this is happening, but I can't stop it! I imagine the part of the brain I used for years is trying to stay active. All the Process Improvement books and papers I wrote are still stored there and now being used during my sleep.

I never killed anyone so I don't know why I had the Horror dreams! But the PI ones make sense. The brain is an amazing organ and who knows what my thoughts will do tomorrow night! One thing is for sure, I need to get my day more active so it tires out or my nights make me work.

The Bucket List

Last night I started but could not finish the movie the Bucket List. I had seen it before, but to explain it briefly it's two guys who meet at the hospital who have cancer and about 6 months-1 yeah to live.

And so the Idea starts to right down 10 things you want to do before you leave this planet. I have always found such movies exciting. First from the perspective it deals with the subject people don't talk about "death" and second, we all want to have a bucket list or as I call them short term goals.

There is a line that Nicholas delivers that brings a very good point to heart! "Do you want to do home and lay around getting the sympathy calls etc, or do you want to live life to its fullest". I can't stress enough that people not react with compassion or sympathy when someone is dying but instead encourage for them to keep living.

I have blogged about this subject than any other. A person is living until declared dead! And even with a terminal disease, many will go before us. Medicine has gone along way and one can last for years with terminal diseases. I honestly believe doctors should not tell people how long they have since many have proven the doctors wrong.

Anyway, I don’t have a bucket list. I have lived a great life and now just want to spend time with my kids, Rob and family. I was very busy that most often I did not have time for me, so I know spend lots of time doing things I enjoy, which revolves around my family.

Yes I would like to do some traveling, but I have this heart issue I now need to address that will stop me from lots of activities until they fix it, But overall everything is good in this house! With the anticipation of my sisters arrival excitement is in the air.

Chat soon
Dr Q

Educate while Blog, focus on living (to my family and friends)

One of the reasons I started this blog was to educate people of one's right to chose life or death as well as discuss some of what I am dealing with and share my thoughts and feelings with others.

It bothers me how people read my blog and then go out to friends and family and twist words or create drama. I spend lots of time trying to explain why I blog! It's a way to stay in touch with others, and share experiences as we all deal with various health issues some terminal. However key is to remember "a view of life", meaning we are living! People should focus on the positive verses the negative. This is the reason for my blog!

I ASK THAT PEOPLE, WHO KNOW ME family/friends, contact me instead of creating drama. Bottom line is we are all dying; just some are going faster than others. Some go extremely fast and without ever expecting. Usually do to an underlying challenge they did not know about.

That being said this simple blog is to express to get people to chat and share feelings, thoughts life's challenges. Though you may think your expressing care, discussing people's health issues including mine with others is not proper. Asking what a person is dealing with is not proper! Calling out of the blue to someone with challenges is not proper you’re welcome to comment on my blog or contact me.

I always express to people, if you did not associate with me before I got sick, don’t contact me when I do. It's like people who discover God or the Creator when they find out they are dying. Dying could take a long time and many can go before you even with a terminal illness!

Example; I remember like 8 years ago going to Miami to visit a friend of his who had been diagnosed with HART (AIDS) disease. He thought he was going to die and was in the process of committing suicide. Well a counselor got to him and 8 years later he is still here and looking good with a fantastic healthy muscular body and in a 6 year relationship.

THERE IS ENOUGH DRAMA IN THIS WORLD WITHOUT CREATING MORE!

Feeling good inside critical toward having a poositive attitude!

It is often said you are what you eat, and you are what you feel. Both of the statements are correct, expect in limited situations. Feelings which originate from the brain often are the guiding factor in a person who is sick to have a good day.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and say, wow dam nice. Other times I avoid the mirror all together. What makes people do this! Well a number of reasons as follows:

Positive feedback from those around goes along way to one feeling good.
Good news on the health front also helps.
Achieving a short term goals that you made is critical
Helping others, even though they should be helping you works.
Having faith for some in needed!
And so forth.

This week I was probed and needled for various tests. That part does not bother me. Rob was by my side and I can take anything with Rob by me. However this upcoming week with Rob working seasonal things change. I am preparing myself for an emotional week.

Feeling good inside means you need to spend allot of time retraining your brain. You still need to set goals! You need to get a hobby (like I blog) and you need to stay close to family or friends whichever works for you. Don't focus on short term pleasures, sometimes those leave you empty!

My belief is that there are greater things to come! That this life on earth is a training camp for us! This works for me most of the time. But look inside and make that a special focus, and if your successful your outside personality shines!

Until next time! Amore...

The Day After In My Office! Not Going Home Yet!

Today I had a few minutes to lounge in my office and take a few minutes to look around at my accomplishments.. To think of those that left an impact on me and vice versa. I looked at my FAA "You made a difference Award"! I looked at the notes that Spanish children’s glass sent to me when I left San Francisco. I looked at all my business cards up to 2002! I looked at the past and it felt good.....

As I sat there I wondered what impact I am leaving now. The funnel to the world will be my blogging. My mind is still somewhat active at least long term memory and I have lots to share and advice to give, if anyone wants to read or hear of it!

And I am sure as I move forward I will learn more and thereby add to my experience and therefore share more. I can't say it's easy! One needs a reason to belong, to participate, and to be whole! Man was not made to sit around and wait for death. We were designed and made to live, and so live I shall.

Already in our plans are trips to Europe. I hope to take Rob to Madeira, England, France and Asia so he experiences what I have experienced. We want to do a Disney Cruise with our Grandson Micah and of course we need to be mindful to not neglect our family in Boston or Miami.

So as I leave the past behind, I/we hope to build on it and blog as we move forward and live a happy successful somewhat healthy life while we can. Yes I will be going home but hopefully just not yet!

Another Milestone! Mixed Emotions!

It's one of those days your happy with the news and sad on what is ahead of you! Finally after almost 4 moths SSDI approved me! But as I said the happiness quickly ends when you know you have gone from over 100k a year to dependence on the federal government.

Not that I am not thankful and I thank everyone in the process that made this possible! But it took two major accidents that left me disabled along with a terminal illness to achieve this status.

How long I remain on this earth is unknown, but tonight we celebrate life and the assistance I invested in that now will support me until my days end here on planet earth.

For those that don’t know there are limitations on SSDI! You obviously can't work and you cannot live outside the country (no retiring in Spain).

Thanks again all and till I blog again!

When your day is occupied with doctors tests and pain!

Now that I live closer to my mother and aunt who are dealing with all kinds of illness due to age or hereditary diseases we spend lots of time chatting about what hurts, lack of sleep and the amount of pills we take. But none of these affect me or them more than seeing them/I deal with the pain.

Both my mom and aunt similar to me always lived very busy active people. Being restricted is the hardest to accept. I see my aunt try to help my uncle as they continue to get our house up to their standard. I see my mom just trying to bend over and walk (a huge challenge). And what effects me more is when they, like I speak about when we could do it all.

As you age we deal with pain, all kinds of probing tests and severe pain. I can't tell you how often Rob spends up at night when I have severe pain. There is not much he can do, but knowing he is there and then embracing me makes all better. I am lucky! My mom and Aunt don’t have this type of assistance, for their mates have their own issues due to age.

So my house again is a haven to discuss what we feel and how we deal with it. I remember once when my home was for dancing, running and lots of vibrant life all around us with kids and newborns. Those were the times!!!!

Today we still wobble to our chairs, we chat about what ails us and once in a while we go for some wings or lunch. All have to go home before the sunset or if it starts raining. But even as we deal with doctors, tests and pain, we find joy with each other and a huge smile is upon our faces when they come over to be with us.

Changes through time! A series of Blogs on my life!

From birth to your early teens time seems to be as slow as a snail! I remember looking at the clock when I was in school and looking the minutes drag! I would escape out of my body and most often not even realize I was in a classroom, just waiting for that bell to ring.

In my late teen’s time moved a little faster! Married at 17 and with two children by the age of 20 there seemed never to be enough time. Actually I would pray and often wonder why the creator just gave us 24 hours. There were days I would not sleep. I was father, mother, friend and a mentor to many from my late teens to early 30's. Those were some fun exciting scary times, but when one looks back every moment was a privilege to have on earth!

From the mid 30's to late 30's I spent lots of time finding out about me. My very good friend and brother-in-law often asked, Joe sit down, it always seems like your running from something! Of course he was right and always knew I was running from myself. So at 39 it was time for the next phase of time. TIME FOR ME!

I knew what I wanted in time, but time crept up on me and there was Rob 6 months later. Time has always been good to me as I look back!

From the 40's to early 50's Rob and I spent time traveling across the country due to my Job and Alaska. We have good times. Actually this 12 year span of time is why I believe we will always be together. What we experience during this time will be in future blogs.

When I got sick, we decided to spend time with the family first in Miami then now Tampa. We don’t know what time holds for us going forward! But based on past time there is a world waiting for us and we will take all the time to find it.

I can’t wait to gain the hour we lost today! Time all of a sudden is very important to me. I want my time back. Dam I have to wait 6 months for that time!

Preoccupied with death, am I? (feedback)

My brother who has become one of my anchors in life wrote to me last night and said "you seem to be preoccupied with death"!

Besides the fact I never expected my brother to become what he has turned out to be, kind, caring and loving, both toward me, Rob and the family, he is correct. It was not by choice that this has become a main focus in my life, it's because blogging helps me and others (based on feedback) and it's a subject rarely spoken about when eventually everyone will deal with it.

No one should get me wrong, I enjoy my life with my family here and frequently visit Rob's in Miami and my kids in Boston. Discussing what will eventually happen to me and all keeps me venting and not holding things inside. Blogging with you all, is like having a therapist that listens, but does not talk back. You see very few people in the world listen!

I run 3 blogs! One is on discussing death, while you’re living! It's something I strongly agree and will continue to do. But the other blogs hit every subject and are worth reading as is this one.

I love my brother and in many blogs hopefully I can discuss our relationship and upbringing. Some are very funny and hopefully he will allow me to share the experience. And maybe, he is correct about this subject! After all until things turn around, death is what I am facing and so it needs to be discussed (not main focus). But life is what I am doing and that discussion continues on "Abilio's view" and "from two Queens".

Keeps the feedback coming, you little Monsters!

A piece of the American pie!

Times are tough everywhere! People living with terminal diseases, don’t seem to focus too much long term! They tend to accept today and maybe plan for tomorrow. This is especially true as you get older or advance on those numbers they gave you on the doctor’s office.

I personally have two goals with Rob! One is to make a trip to Europe and end in Amsterdam and the other a safari in Africa or a combination of South America and Australia where I have family.

With the new republican congress and threats of cuts to SS, Disability etc. I don’t know financially if this will be possible. Everyone is mad at Obama for not giving senior’s cost of living increases when inflation has stabilized, just wait until the republicans start giving to the rich and take more from the poor.

I don’t know if I will be here for the revolution, but one is coming! It's inevitable! I just want my piece of the pie for working 43 years and putting into the system so I can live my last two dreams.

Live on my friends and may all your dreams come true!

A man's best friend...... YEAH man and his/her dog!

I have discussed a number of times that when a doctor say's 1-10 you figure you’re somewhere around 5! Every day you think about death verses the regular folks that are dying along with you, but don’t have a number associated with their name!

For those of you who have pets, when you come home they have been told too! No they were not at the doctor, but they have this sense that is just amazing. The days when I don’t feel good I used to have my long time friend Bam Bam (those who read my blogs know he died 3 weeks ago) next to me. Now it's Bett. Be assured even before I start telling Rob I feel like shit, Bett is already next to me as to comfort me.

She will lay next to my side of the bed if I am bedridden. If I am outside on our new deck getting some fresh air, there she is! I always marvel at how these friends know you need them. They don’t say I hope you feel better! They don’t get you water when your lips are dry and they don’t get you a snack!

But what they do for you is BE THERE! No questions asked any need for small chatter or they don’t even ask for attention. They are just a quiet friend there for you!

I am reminded of what of my closest friend said to me when I was a teenager. You see as a teenager I was often sick. Nelson came over one day and sat next to me! He did not say a word! We watched TV laughed a little and a few hours later he left. I said to him, I am sorry we did not chat much, because I was not feeling good. He said I just needed your company today.

I have never forgotten those words and always am mindful of his love for me. So friends come if different sizes and packages at times from all over the animal kingdom!

Dedicated to my boy who I miss so much, Bam Bam!