Sunday, October 31, 2010

Tuesday's with Murray! When a hand is needed but not welcomed!

I have read this book many times and I quote it often. I do this with lots of material I have found useful in 52 years I have been here. I strongly recommend everyone read "the seven habits of highly successful people and the eighth habit"!

This book is a guide to success in business and life and also helps us appreciate our inner circle. Highlighted in these and many other self help book is the need to look at how fortunate we are, even when we don't think so! Like the Rainbow blog of last week!

As one deals with death in this world, and often alone since no-one wants to talk about it, there are things that start happening that gets you depressed but you still need to move on! There are parts of your body that start working properly and at 52 you start going through that line at the grocery store you went for your children and your parents went for you.

Murray said, the worse that could happen is if someone had to do the basic human needs like cleaning your ass for you! Well I can’t tell you how hard it is to have your partner check that area (non sexual) for you! So to everyone out there dealing with such issues you’re not alone and you know someone is in love with you who takes good care of you without the need to pay such as a nurse or nursing home.

I count my blessings and think of those within my circle that may be ashamed to discuss this. Recently my mom discussed this with me. She is 78 and sometimes has a need and why she misses my sister so much. Besides the company it's easier between mother and daughter as it is father and son.

So you young people reading this blog! Be fortunate your hand can reach where it needs to, for someday someone else's hand may be there, and it's not a pleasant experience! Nevertheless we joke about it laugh a little and move on in life...

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

My Rainbow Weekend

It's interesting what a rainbow, yes a rainbow can do to your spirits. They happen constantly and sometimes we just plain either miss them, because we are focused on other matters, don't take the time to notice natural phenomenons or don't see the value!

Let me explain my rainbow weekend!

Rob and I left Friday to Miami for a number of personal reasons and like always we accomplish some but not all we aim to do! Last week in itself was a emotional weekend since we lost people we either have known, worked with or were related to our inner circle. And so I dedicate this to Sean, Heather and David's Mom since I don't remember her name!

Saturday we spend the day with one of what I call my angels on earth, Ron and his family. The embrace, well after years of not seeing him it itself a bog could be written. The intimate touching embrace we had at the bakery could write books. The day went perfect until Cheesecake Factory changed it all by their creasy shrimp followed by a goat cheese olive! I am sure some of you are vomiting right now! Well for the next 12 hours that is how I felt.

Sunday after a late start we headed home with our buddy coming back with us Uly. He of course because of being so happy to be on this trip starting drinking Sunday AM and now had to stop every 10 minutes for nature kept calling. We drove back with a spoiled 5 yo. One of our stops was on Alligator Alley!

Rob stopped the car after we just finished going through a heavy downpour and he forgot the lights, chargers everything electrical was on! So 20 minutes later the car would not start. At about now usually I would be like a shark going after bait, but as I turned around the most amazing thing happened! I saw the start and finish of a perfect half round rainbow. In my 52 years I have never seen a complete perfect circular rainbow so vivid it seemed someone painted in the sky.

I could not stop taking pictures and sharing it on Facebook. Everyone was pointing and starting at this amazing rainbow. It actually brought us joy and also a handsome man to help us start the car (well had nothing to do with the rainbow, or did it).

All the way home I wondered why a rainbow is associated with the gay community and I have the following possibilities:

Maybe it’s because we have a rainbow flag (minus the pink)
Maybe it’s because it creates joy (gay)
Maybe it's because Judy Garland sand one of the classics we embraced "over the rainbow"
Maybe it's just because

Friday, October 22, 2010

When you snap-The Lights May Go Out

This week we lost a loving friend we just started associating with! Someone my daughter loved and I know Rob and I would have followed suit. And then yesterday we got the news of an old friend who passed away. I remember when he and I worked the assembly line and technical troubleshooting. He was a wise young man and I would never let him get to me! Eventually we became friends and I enjoyed working with him for 5 years.

He became VP of sales for Microcom and then VP of sales for MTN. I have not seen him since 1999! He was a dad a loving husband a good golf player and extremely hansom and aged with perfection.

Based on feedback he snapped and the lights went out! I always remind everyone everybody has a breaking point. This is why we need to be respectful, kind and good to each other. There are many times I see no reason for living. There are times I am surrounded by a loving family a great partner and good friends and I still feel no reason to be here.

I don't know my breaking point. But I caution everyone that there is one for all of us. Some go alone when this happens some take the people that pissed them off. My friend Nelson lost his entire family to a person who snapped.

Please today and everyday do whatever you can to treat people with ultimate respect. Listen to them! Look for signs of depression! And most of all don’t intentionally piss anyone off. It may be there last day and yours!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

When someone you loved leaves us! (dedicated to Heather)

If you’re a reader of my blog's you by now understand why I find there needs to be a dialog with family, friends and everyone in your inner circle on the subject of death! It happens to us all the time and if you have not encountered death, you will! It’s guaranteed.

One wonders why someone young has to leave while some of us who know death is around the corner stays. I mean if I could I would have taken Heather place I would! I have lived a good life, she was just starting hers. We know Gob did not need her, for I am sure the creator has what he/she needs!

Sometimes there is no explanation! Things befalls us all and when your number is called (sort of speaking) your up! I look at death very simplistic!

Enjoy everyone your in life and when they die enjoy the time you had them in your life. Heather had a brief time in our life. But no matter how brief, she was a joy to be with. For those that had more time, you all have more memories. Those are treasures humans leave behind.

When you think about it, whether 5, 25, 50 or 100! Let’s always remember the joy someone leaves and treasure those times and move on leaving our own based on what e learned from those that left us. And we can say see you soon! Because we are right behind them!

Loved you heather, and Rob says we will miss you girl!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Changes are a constant! In life and death!

The interesting thing about life is that we are told that changes are a constant. And we seem to believe that changes are something that keeps progressing.

One of the things that come to our attention when you’re dying is that changes sometimes go backwards. To us family becomes important so you may go back and see or talk to family members you haven't seen in some time. The same can be true of friends.

Lots of people go back and start a relationship with their God! This brings some the tranquility to moving on to the next phase of death.

Some want to be by the beach, or travel the world and accomplish things that they have yet to complete. And some just want to relax and let life be what it is.

The important thing to remember is that though change is the only constant, it's ok to revert back to complete items you have yet to challenge. The other is to know that moving forward is just as well ok to face unknowns. It all depends on the person!

Whatever you decide just make sure that you’re ready for the transition and that you are with those you love. My sister is coming home in December. I can't wait to0 be with her share special moments and embrace changes as we both move forward.

Friday, October 15, 2010

What to do to stay positive

I start seeing a federally funded Therapist Tuesday since depression is a condition that comes along with many people dealing with terminal illness. In my case I have been on depression medication since my first breakdown in 2006. Yesterday (I guess the Thursday I somehow don’t remember) I realized there is a few things I can do and therefore pass-along that can keep one on the positive side and have the willingness to move on and live.

This morning I feel somewhat down. Sometimes I can't explain! I got up this morning at 8 and when I had my long 8 month breakdown getting out of the bed was very difficult. I hope this is not a start on one to come. SO anyway this is what I have planned to keep me on the positive side of the line!

TALK TO MY MOTHER DAILY! My mother, who I treasure for being there when my dad was too busy drinking or seeing other woman/women, left stopped taking care of her children. Many times I used to see her cry wondering how she would feed 3 children and keep a roof over their heads. Today she is old and prays she goes first, so that her children don’t die before she does. So I have this plan to chat with my mother daily!

VOLUNTER! I spoke to a local charity to see if it's possible on my good days to spend a few hours volunteering and assisting others. We know based on studies when we help others we help ourselves.

DON'T HIDE! I will try as much as possible to talk to others. I have returned my BB and now have a basic cell phone and a house phone that will more than ever force me to answer it and receive encouragement from others as well as return it.

CONTINUE TO BLOG! When I blog I think others are reading and somehow I feel part of an extended community. It's like talking to a therapist! When people follow me I receive uplift, because maybe someone is feeling me and utilizing the information.

ACCEPT CHANGE! I am a believer successful people except and embrace change. Sometimes change means accepting change that takes you back to an earlier time when you were happy. This may mean giving up things that keep you away from those who care and embracing ones you thought never did. We as a society consider change to be more and more of what we don't need. I will try to do with less and making Rob, my children and family the focus of my life.

Don't know if this will work! But if not I will keep changing until I find what does.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A nice reminder if your dealing with death!

Dealing with Death - The True PositionWhen dealing with death, the solution is the same whether the death is our own or that of a loved one. As hard as it is to accept, we must understand that death is a part of life. As some have quipped, death is the only thing in life that comes with a 100% guarantee.

Also to note someone told me recently, "everyone wants to go to heaven, but no-one wants to die”.

A lot of people turn to religion on their last days or years on earth. I strongly recommend you complete anything bothering you and close any open issues with friends and family, the creator if religious and leave with PEACE!

Robert lost someone special many years ago and they way they sometimes make it sound they enjoyed Daniel's last days and the transition at times though emotional had some mystical memories. Death can be a special event, though that one will be missed and does not have to be a dreadful transition. Remember the person is living until their last breath!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Life's challenges in dealing with SSDI

Living in this great country and unless we allow it to deteriorate it will always remain a great country is that if you have a disability you can get SSI or SSDI. I have applied and I am sure will be approved (nothing in life is guaranteed, except death) for SSDI. Well I think most of you know that is the Federal Government paying you in return for you paying them for retirement or should you get terminally disabled.

I can't tell you the challenges you face applying for SSDI and now understand why most get a lawyer. I was fortunate to have a local charity assist me with the process and see the various doctors etc. There are many forms to complete assessments to take and mental experts to see along with physical ones.

This process started in June when I finally gave in and decided I was dying faster if I did not address some serious health issues. It was either close your eyes and continue to work and disregard the obvious I have been neglecting for 4 years or start addressing them. I have been able to hide this from my family and friends until just recently. Some of them put two and two together, connected the dots.. you get the picture.

I still don't except it, I feel fine except for a few challenges that I have learned to work around. I had a mental breakdown when I was first told that lasted 8 months of crying. Again no-one except Robert was aware of this. I was hospitalized many times, without work even knowing. I had this magical thing called wi-fi and a laptop and I had a great staff.

We decided 3 years ago to make the rounds see family in Miami then Tampa and eventually end up back home, but I think here we will stay for now.

Last week was a week from hell, almost institutionalized due to depression and even though I was sadden Rob lost his job, it's what saved me from being in a nut house  for lack of a better term.  Everyday is a challenge for me. I hope this Blog helps me and others and I periodically express what is going in my life so my family friends and people dealing with terminal illness know they are not alone.

This week its lawyers related to both accidents I have had that added to my many elements and supporting Rob as he stays positive and job hunts in this market. I thank my earthy angels (you know who you are) for being there for us. You’re one reason I am still here!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Living a good life with a positive circle of friends and family

If you are a follower’s of my blogs, by now you are aware I am living facing death! I say it that way because it's how I want to be treated. Some people start to die when they are diagnosed with a terminal some fight to live, I just accepted and moved on as if someone told me I had a bad tooth. You deal with the problem and emotion and then you live on.

That being said, this blog will focus on challenges I/people face when they have diagnosed with a terminal disease. There are so many side effects to diseases it’s unbelievable. Most people never die of the disease, they die of complications related to the specific disease.

Those that fight on, usually have something to fight for or just are afraid of death. I used to think constantly as to who would take care of Bam Bam as good as I would if I died before him. He needed me and in some way I needed him. I also used to think Robert needed me. But I have come to realize no human is depended on another. He would live on, just as would my kid's, mom, brother etc.

And so I live with the thought of why am I here! Some would say to enjoy life! Hummm, well I have to admit there are good days but unfortunately as the disease takes over your body you start having more bad than good days. You need to start planning for house care (we did this last week) you have to plan for the day when it comes and unlike people who are living every day (thought dying) we think of dying (while living).

In reality we are all dying, but those that are told 1-10, from that moment on think OK when will be the day, verses the people who are never given a number. They are dying too, but don't think about it. And so this blog will help me, as much as it will help you all to understand how a person feels when they have been diagnosed with a terminal disease. I have lost 4 people in my 51 years here, 3 to suicide and 1 to a disease worst than suicide, ALS.

This blog will deal with honest feelings and thoughts at the moment. Your welcome to join in the discussion and become part of something meaningful, since death eventually faces us all.